Didn’t Receive that “Parent of the Year” Award in the Mail? Well, Damn.

Do you remember when you were pregnant?  Remember all of those little mental notes you made for yourself and those Boards that you posted on Pinterest planning your baby’s arrival?  Remember how you vowed that you would only feed them fruits and vegetables with a strict “no sugar” diet; well, at least until they are 2!

Remember that time you told yourself you would cherish every sleepless night because they are only young once?

So, how’s that working out for ya?

So here I am.  I am a working mother of one adorable toddler.  She will be 3 years old in December.  See that paragraph up there?  Ya, that was totally me.  When I was pregnant, I swore that I was going to be that parent who took time to prepare a week of healthy meals in one afternoon.  I was never going to feed my child a hot dog.  And how could I ever imagine LEAVING my kid with anyone even to go to the grocery store!  I would surely want to show her off!  As long as  I practiced good manners with her and taught her right from wrong, everything would be just PERFECT!

*Insert mom with eye twitch while child is doing laps around the living room naked with a black sharpie in hand*

So it’s possible at this stage when looking back, things didn’t quite go as planned, am I right?  Well, I am here to tell you some good news: WE ALL SUCK AT BEING PARENTS!  Granted, some are better at hiding it than others. But seriously, you’re being far too hard on yourself!

I want to share with you the things that I have done that I swore I would never do with my daughter:

  1. No Sugar: Any parent who needs to go from Point A to Point B will gladly throw a Snickers in the back and possibly even let them eat a piece of the wrapper if it keeps them quiet and content.
  2. No Crap Food: Ever take your toddler to a birthday party and tell them they can’t have a hot dog?  Slice that sh!t down the middle so they won’t choke and let them be cool a couple times a year!
  3. Taking Them Everywhere to Show Them Off: No. Just no.  My daughter was born on December 13th and my parents watched her on Christmas Eve so I could go “Christmas Shopping”.  What I really wanted was a fountain pop from McDonald’s and alone time in a bathroom stall to hear my own thoughts.
  4. Cherish Sleepless Nights: I’m sorry but the older my daughter is, the cooler she gets! I do NOT miss crying myself to sleep from exhaustion.  I don’t miss being braless with stained clothes, being afraid to move encase I woke the baby and threatening the lives of anyone who walked through the door if she was sleeping (sorry grandpa).

I mean, I could go on about all of the things society tells me I did wrong as a parent but there is a bottom line to all of this.  Nobody is the perfect parent.  We are all human and need time to ourselves.  And you know what the funny thing is?  When we actually do get time to ourselves, we spend it either talking about our kids, thinking about our kids or buying things for our kids!  AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY!

I feel completely blessed to have such a smart, funny, beautiful daughter.  Yes I’ve given her hot dogs, ice cream and let her play on her IPad for longer than I should have in order to get something done in the house.  But I also make sure she eats fruits and veggies, that she always goes to bed on time & that she is given more love than she can handle each and every day.  And that’s what really counts, isn’t it?

So GO TEAM YOU!  You’re doing just fine.  Wait, did you hear that?  What time is it?!

LUX!!!! Mommy’s mascara is NOT a brush for the puppy!!!!

Well, damn.





3 thoughts on “Didn’t Receive that “Parent of the Year” Award in the Mail? Well, Damn.

  1. Kim H says:

    Oh my God Mal you should be writing a book… I know you read every book on what to expect when your expecting a child… well you need to write the “REAL” book on what really happens!

    Liked by 1 person

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